Thursday, October 17, 2002
escapism
Sometimes I just want to take off and go somewhere far away where no one knew my name. If strangers asked I could tell them, "My name is Sven Chang. I'm from Sweden and my only goal in life is to save all the starving children in the world." I'd backpack from city to city ironing people's clothes for money to eat. Somewhere along the way I'd meet a lonely princess who was attracted to my hobo image and she'd treat me to a buffet in her castle and propose to me. I'd disappoint and tell her I have a hobo girlfriend back in North America waiting for me. She would sob gently but she would understand that love isn't always reciprocated. That she couldn't make me love her but she was happy just to experience that one moment of love she had for someone else. I would tell her, "You'll find someone much better than me one day. Just you wait and see!". She would reply, "You are such a noble hobo. I want to one day meet someone just like you. Take this royal crest and if one day that girl ever breaks your heart, promise me you'll come back and be my prince." I blush and thank her for her hospitality. I leave her castle and promptly sell the royal crest for enough money to feed me for another few weeks. After all, we all know love makes no promises. She'll probably meet someone who'd make her happier down the road anyways.
I'd venture for another several years before returning to North America. To find that my friends have forgotten me, my family has turned my room into a karaoke entertainment room, and my girlfriend had left North America searching for me. I'd resocialize myself to the ways of my country and wait patiently the return of my girlfriend. If the day came around when she did return and she still needed me in her life, we could share our wonderful experiences apart from each other. By that time maybe we'd be ready to accept our sad fate in this mundane society. Or maybe we wouldn't and we'd venture off again. Far away. This time together. Possibly forever.
Sometimes I just want to take off and go somewhere far away where no one knew my name. If strangers asked I could tell them, "My name is Sven Chang. I'm from Sweden and my only goal in life is to save all the starving children in the world." I'd backpack from city to city ironing people's clothes for money to eat. Somewhere along the way I'd meet a lonely princess who was attracted to my hobo image and she'd treat me to a buffet in her castle and propose to me. I'd disappoint and tell her I have a hobo girlfriend back in North America waiting for me. She would sob gently but she would understand that love isn't always reciprocated. That she couldn't make me love her but she was happy just to experience that one moment of love she had for someone else. I would tell her, "You'll find someone much better than me one day. Just you wait and see!". She would reply, "You are such a noble hobo. I want to one day meet someone just like you. Take this royal crest and if one day that girl ever breaks your heart, promise me you'll come back and be my prince." I blush and thank her for her hospitality. I leave her castle and promptly sell the royal crest for enough money to feed me for another few weeks. After all, we all know love makes no promises. She'll probably meet someone who'd make her happier down the road anyways.
I'd venture for another several years before returning to North America. To find that my friends have forgotten me, my family has turned my room into a karaoke entertainment room, and my girlfriend had left North America searching for me. I'd resocialize myself to the ways of my country and wait patiently the return of my girlfriend. If the day came around when she did return and she still needed me in her life, we could share our wonderful experiences apart from each other. By that time maybe we'd be ready to accept our sad fate in this mundane society. Or maybe we wouldn't and we'd venture off again. Far away. This time together. Possibly forever.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
A Few Late Night Random Thoughts
Did you know that they can graft pig testicles to the back of a mouse and have it grow to produce sperm? Tell me you're not impressed. I dare you. Just think of the possibilities! If they could graft a penis to my back, I could possibly fulfill my dream of being the meat between a Jessica Alba/Shannyn Sossamon sex sandwich. I could also invent the piggy-back sex position! However, is all this worth having another man's penis touching your back? I'll have to rethink this and get back to you.
I'm listening to "Ready To Go" by Republica. This song makes me want to run down the streets screaming at the top of my lungs (as manly as possible).
Sometimes I seriously want to just pack one of those hobo bags (the one with a pouch attached to a stick) and leave my life without a word to anyone. I sometimes think I'm not appreciated enough and it would serve those bastards right if I just got up and left. Quite selfish, I know. Everyone indulges in escapism in one form or another.
There is no such thing as a relationship where both people love each other equally. I hope someone proves me wrong.
I'm going to donate the dozens of toys I've gotten from ex-girlfriends to some charity this winter. I think it'd be nice to pass on years of torturous memories to little kids this upcoming christmas. Maybe I'll attach little notes to each toy à la Chinese fortune cookies, to educate the boys and girls about relationships. Notes like; "never date a girl who weighs more than you do" or "avoid girls who have 5 older brothers" and "if you're going to tell a girl you love her to get her in bed, don't tell her you lied afterwards". It's time I started giving back to my community.
Did you know that they can graft pig testicles to the back of a mouse and have it grow to produce sperm? Tell me you're not impressed. I dare you. Just think of the possibilities! If they could graft a penis to my back, I could possibly fulfill my dream of being the meat between a Jessica Alba/Shannyn Sossamon sex sandwich. I could also invent the piggy-back sex position! However, is all this worth having another man's penis touching your back? I'll have to rethink this and get back to you.
I'm listening to "Ready To Go" by Republica. This song makes me want to run down the streets screaming at the top of my lungs (as manly as possible).
Sometimes I seriously want to just pack one of those hobo bags (the one with a pouch attached to a stick) and leave my life without a word to anyone. I sometimes think I'm not appreciated enough and it would serve those bastards right if I just got up and left. Quite selfish, I know. Everyone indulges in escapism in one form or another.
There is no such thing as a relationship where both people love each other equally. I hope someone proves me wrong.
I'm going to donate the dozens of toys I've gotten from ex-girlfriends to some charity this winter. I think it'd be nice to pass on years of torturous memories to little kids this upcoming christmas. Maybe I'll attach little notes to each toy à la Chinese fortune cookies, to educate the boys and girls about relationships. Notes like; "never date a girl who weighs more than you do" or "avoid girls who have 5 older brothers" and "if you're going to tell a girl you love her to get her in bed, don't tell her you lied afterwards". It's time I started giving back to my community.
Friday, October 11, 2002
* * * WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? * * *
GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question. But I will. He is an evil-doer with evil intentions. We have clear evidence to support our view, though it is top secret. We will track him down, bring him to justice, and bomb and destroy every chicken farm, every henhouse, every nest, until chickens are no longer a threat to our way of life.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that ! chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to Trample him and keep him down.
TRIAL LAWYER: Said Chicken's civil rights were infringed by the State, by building a thoroughfare in a negligent manner and in a place known to be attractive to chickens, resulting in said chickens severe and traumatic injuries. Therefore, the attached suit for $30 million dollars (40% contingency fee) has been filed against the State and the Taxpayers thereof. Triple punitive damages will be sought.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said Unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question. But I will. He is an evil-doer with evil intentions. We have clear evidence to support our view, though it is top secret. We will track him down, bring him to justice, and bomb and destroy every chicken farm, every henhouse, every nest, until chickens are no longer a threat to our way of life.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that ! chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to Trample him and keep him down.
TRIAL LAWYER: Said Chicken's civil rights were infringed by the State, by building a thoroughfare in a negligent manner and in a place known to be attractive to chickens, resulting in said chickens severe and traumatic injuries. Therefore, the attached suit for $30 million dollars (40% contingency fee) has been filed against the State and the Taxpayers thereof. Triple punitive damages will be sought.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said Unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Friday, October 04, 2002
Not In Our Name
The Pledge of Resistance
We believe that as people living
in the United States it is our
responsibility to resist the injustices
done by our government,
in our names
Not in our name
will you wage endless war
there can be no more deaths
no more transfusions
of blood for oil
Not in our name
will you invade countries
bomb civilians, kill more children
letting history take its course
over the graves of the nameless
Not in our name
will you erode the very freedoms
you have claimed to fight for
Not by our hands
will we supply weapons and funding
for the annihilation of families
on foreign soil
Not by our mouths
will we let fear silence us
Not by our hearts
will we allow whole peoples
or countries to be deemed evil
Not by our will
and Not in our name
We pledge resistance
We pledge alliance with those
who have come under attack
for voicing opposition to the war
or for their religion or ethnicity
We pledge to make common cause
with the people of the world
to bring about justice,
freedom and peace
Another world is possible
and we pledge to make it real.
The Pledge of Resistance
We believe that as people living
in the United States it is our
responsibility to resist the injustices
done by our government,
in our names
Not in our name
will you wage endless war
there can be no more deaths
no more transfusions
of blood for oil
Not in our name
will you invade countries
bomb civilians, kill more children
letting history take its course
over the graves of the nameless
Not in our name
will you erode the very freedoms
you have claimed to fight for
Not by our hands
will we supply weapons and funding
for the annihilation of families
on foreign soil
Not by our mouths
will we let fear silence us
Not by our hearts
will we allow whole peoples
or countries to be deemed evil
Not by our will
and Not in our name
We pledge resistance
We pledge alliance with those
who have come under attack
for voicing opposition to the war
or for their religion or ethnicity
We pledge to make common cause
with the people of the world
to bring about justice,
freedom and peace
Another world is possible
and we pledge to make it real.
Some People Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This
It's the type of bonding and quality time that's is needed between guys. A sanctimonious occasion where we sit around a tv watching other men throwing around a pigskin ball, shooting baskets, or just pummeling each other. It's about passing chips, beer, pretzels, party mix, and gas. Putting our foot down with our girlfriends and telling them, "No I can't go to Yorkdale Mall with you today, the guys are getting together to watch the game." Sports gatherings, we don't do it enough. Or rather, MY friends don't do it enough.
Why don't we do this enough? Several reasons.
1) Whipped black and blue by the girlfriends
Shaky - "Hey Norton, we're heading to Mark's place to watch the superbowl and play some poker later today. You wanna come?"
Norton - "Sorry man, I promised Jacqueline I'd braid her hair."
2) Different priorities
Shaky - "Hey Tomas, we're gonna watch the Roy Jones Jr. match tonight at Spooner's place if you're interested."
Tomas - "Sorry man, I have to go to the mall and buy some new socks for work."
3) Distance
Shaky - "Hey Duckworth, we're watching UFC at Garry's in a few hours. You gonna show up?"
Duckworth - "You do realize it's 6am here in Tokyo right? Click."
4) What is sports?
Shaky - "Hey Garrison, we're gonna watch Kurt Schilling pitch game 7 of the MLB finals tonight at Stan's place."
Garrison - "That's cool. Who's Kurt Schilling?"
Things will change though. I'm starting to put together my own band of merry sports men, minus the green tights (unless of course they're football tights). We will celebrate each touchdown, each basket, each goallllll, and each home run. Why? Because we're men, and goddamnit, that's what men should be doing. It's not much to ask from your fellow man really. It's the same thing our girlfriends ask for -- quality time. The only difference is we ask it less frequently and you don't have to pretend to enjoy sports. It's something that's innate in every normal man. Besides, If you don't stand up to your girlfriend now, she will never understand in the future. Better to precondition them early to ease their pain. So I call upon every man who cares. Run to a friend's house to watch sports, run to the nearest sports bar to watch sports, or go see a game live! It's your duty as a man to preserve our way of life.
It's the type of bonding and quality time that's is needed between guys. A sanctimonious occasion where we sit around a tv watching other men throwing around a pigskin ball, shooting baskets, or just pummeling each other. It's about passing chips, beer, pretzels, party mix, and gas. Putting our foot down with our girlfriends and telling them, "No I can't go to Yorkdale Mall with you today, the guys are getting together to watch the game." Sports gatherings, we don't do it enough. Or rather, MY friends don't do it enough.
Why don't we do this enough? Several reasons.
1) Whipped black and blue by the girlfriends
Shaky - "Hey Norton, we're heading to Mark's place to watch the superbowl and play some poker later today. You wanna come?"
Norton - "Sorry man, I promised Jacqueline I'd braid her hair."
2) Different priorities
Shaky - "Hey Tomas, we're gonna watch the Roy Jones Jr. match tonight at Spooner's place if you're interested."
Tomas - "Sorry man, I have to go to the mall and buy some new socks for work."
3) Distance
Shaky - "Hey Duckworth, we're watching UFC at Garry's in a few hours. You gonna show up?"
Duckworth - "You do realize it's 6am here in Tokyo right? Click."
4) What is sports?
Shaky - "Hey Garrison, we're gonna watch Kurt Schilling pitch game 7 of the MLB finals tonight at Stan's place."
Garrison - "That's cool. Who's Kurt Schilling?"
Things will change though. I'm starting to put together my own band of merry sports men, minus the green tights (unless of course they're football tights). We will celebrate each touchdown, each basket, each goallllll, and each home run. Why? Because we're men, and goddamnit, that's what men should be doing. It's not much to ask from your fellow man really. It's the same thing our girlfriends ask for -- quality time. The only difference is we ask it less frequently and you don't have to pretend to enjoy sports. It's something that's innate in every normal man. Besides, If you don't stand up to your girlfriend now, she will never understand in the future. Better to precondition them early to ease their pain. So I call upon every man who cares. Run to a friend's house to watch sports, run to the nearest sports bar to watch sports, or go see a game live! It's your duty as a man to preserve our way of life.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
blood test...$16.05
vaccinations...$40.00
neutering...$91.00
having a dog that won't hump and jizz all over guests...priceless.
Muffin is going under the knife (or laser) next Thursday morning. Hopefully he'll be a lot calmer after this operation. And hopefully I'll get one of those cool lamp shade thingies for Muffin!!
vaccinations...$40.00
neutering...$91.00
having a dog that won't hump and jizz all over guests...priceless.
Muffin is going under the knife (or laser) next Thursday morning. Hopefully he'll be a lot calmer after this operation. And hopefully I'll get one of those cool lamp shade thingies for Muffin!!
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